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Monday, February 22, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
So, uh...
About the production.
It's been a few weeks since we got our roles, and I still don't think I quite know what to make of the situation.
I wasn't given a speaking role. Hell, I wasn't even given an acting role.
I'm stage manager.
And it's awesome, it really is! But the thing is, for two or three weeks we hoped. We hoped for awesome roles with lines and lots of blocking. I know I hoped for the Curse of the Susan to continue (more on that later), or if not that, at least one of the recurring characters. I had faith in myself as a performer.
Then our director decided (after half an hour of drawing it out, with us sitting in a semi-circle around her table) to hand out slips of paper dictating what we were to do for the next two and a half months of our lives. She says, "Oh, I'll hand out the Production Team first." I think nothing of it, and pity my dear friend who had a major acting role last year, as he gets the first Production Team slip. Then she walks over to me. Oh, that's what Eddie just felt.... Then I kept wondering was I not good enough why do I not have a part how the hell did this happen I don't understand was I not good enough? She kept handing out papers, then sat and talked some more about the process the production was going to take. As my mind went in circles, I tried to swallow the sudden huge lump in my throat and blink back the tears I felt were arriving. I was successful in this, but I don't think I was able to keep a stricken look from my features. As she wound down this second speech, I was (mostly) calm and had decided to be the best damn Stage Manager she had ever seen. I was looking for the silver lining - and that night, as Eddie and I were texting, I realized it more fully - I get to know this show so so intimately. And, as odd as this is going to sound, I get to have a lot of power. So far, I've been in charge of informing the cast where and when we're meeting, what we're doing, and compiling various documents for the director. It's a lot of busy work, really, but it's something to do to keep myself involved in this show.
This past week, I've labelled myself the Human Watch. It's my job in rehearsal to let the director know what time it is, if we're approaching the time of stopping, and whatnot. I am so very "on" this job. I've gotten many responses from various castmates how funny it is that I'm always letting her know the time... but it's my job, and they understand that. I actually bought a watch so I didn't constantly drain my cell phone battery. One of my friends said today how I was doing everything right... of course! I'm terrified of doing something wrong here. My confidence is already shot enough from not getting an acting role. I know that I got stage manager as a learning experience, and not necessarily a lack of talent of my part. But it was still a blow to my ego. It still is. I find myself doubting any instincts I have as a performer, in other classes. Whereas, before, I mainly was concerned with how silly I may have looked, but definitely not if I could perform well at all. I figured, I've been doing this on and off since I was five, I had to have picked up something, right?
One of my chief concerns is that (as production team) I'm going to get shunted aside, socially, when it comes time for cast get-togethers. These are my friends, so I kind of doubt it, but I'm constantly trying to make stronger friendships so I assure myself. Plus it's always nice to have awesome friends. :) I also wonder how necessary I really am to this whole process.
So yes. Just a lot of doubt on me for the past.. three weeks or so. *sigh*
Uhh... I don't really have anything else to say.
Later!
It's been a few weeks since we got our roles, and I still don't think I quite know what to make of the situation.
I wasn't given a speaking role. Hell, I wasn't even given an acting role.
I'm stage manager.
And it's awesome, it really is! But the thing is, for two or three weeks we hoped. We hoped for awesome roles with lines and lots of blocking. I know I hoped for the Curse of the Susan to continue (more on that later), or if not that, at least one of the recurring characters. I had faith in myself as a performer.
Then our director decided (after half an hour of drawing it out, with us sitting in a semi-circle around her table) to hand out slips of paper dictating what we were to do for the next two and a half months of our lives. She says, "Oh, I'll hand out the Production Team first." I think nothing of it, and pity my dear friend who had a major acting role last year, as he gets the first Production Team slip. Then she walks over to me. Oh, that's what Eddie just felt.... Then I kept wondering was I not good enough why do I not have a part how the hell did this happen I don't understand was I not good enough? She kept handing out papers, then sat and talked some more about the process the production was going to take. As my mind went in circles, I tried to swallow the sudden huge lump in my throat and blink back the tears I felt were arriving. I was successful in this, but I don't think I was able to keep a stricken look from my features. As she wound down this second speech, I was (mostly) calm and had decided to be the best damn Stage Manager she had ever seen. I was looking for the silver lining - and that night, as Eddie and I were texting, I realized it more fully - I get to know this show so so intimately. And, as odd as this is going to sound, I get to have a lot of power. So far, I've been in charge of informing the cast where and when we're meeting, what we're doing, and compiling various documents for the director. It's a lot of busy work, really, but it's something to do to keep myself involved in this show.
This past week, I've labelled myself the Human Watch. It's my job in rehearsal to let the director know what time it is, if we're approaching the time of stopping, and whatnot. I am so very "on" this job. I've gotten many responses from various castmates how funny it is that I'm always letting her know the time... but it's my job, and they understand that. I actually bought a watch so I didn't constantly drain my cell phone battery. One of my friends said today how I was doing everything right... of course! I'm terrified of doing something wrong here. My confidence is already shot enough from not getting an acting role. I know that I got stage manager as a learning experience, and not necessarily a lack of talent of my part. But it was still a blow to my ego. It still is. I find myself doubting any instincts I have as a performer, in other classes. Whereas, before, I mainly was concerned with how silly I may have looked, but definitely not if I could perform well at all. I figured, I've been doing this on and off since I was five, I had to have picked up something, right?
One of my chief concerns is that (as production team) I'm going to get shunted aside, socially, when it comes time for cast get-togethers. These are my friends, so I kind of doubt it, but I'm constantly trying to make stronger friendships so I assure myself. Plus it's always nice to have awesome friends. :) I also wonder how necessary I really am to this whole process.
So yes. Just a lot of doubt on me for the past.. three weeks or so. *sigh*
Uhh... I don't really have anything else to say.
Later!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Hmm.
I'm kind of sad right now.
And I don't really know why.
Wait. Yes I do.
I don't want to be a commodity. I want to be precious.
I don't know if I feel that way.
Okay. Must get back to rehearsal.
Maybe more about that later.
All right. Bye.
And I don't really know why.
Wait. Yes I do.
I don't want to be a commodity. I want to be precious.
I don't know if I feel that way.
Okay. Must get back to rehearsal.
Maybe more about that later.
All right. Bye.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
An odd thought.
So I'm fully awake (at 9am! Shocking!!) and reading an article about the Sentimental Novel for my major american authors class. A passage struck me as weird and I thought I'd share because I'm almost done but the fire alarms going off in another building and I don't want to go back yet.
It's talking about how Clarissa is indistinguishable from her virginity, and how that's not like the chastity advocated by the Church.
Then I thought, Wait a minute, in those days girls got married at like fourteen! Of course they should still be virgins! Then that led me to choke on my coffee when I thought of the girls who weren't, and why they were not and the S.O.Bs that made them that way. Ewwww!!
I am no religion nut. I've read the bible, attempted Torah before, and have my own set of beliefs based on my own knowledge- not what anyone else has tried to get me to believe. Upon reading this article, I wondered, was the Church trying to stop child molestors? But then again, weren't the girls always in the wrong, and persecuted as such, as if they had really asked for it?
Well, maybe they did. I never said I knew their society. But as those girls DID get married young... Maybe they gossiped about their "marital relations" with their best friends? Sure, they didn't have the same scientific knowledge we have today. But damn, those girls probably knew what was what about sex way earlier than what we do today!
My main thought here was the child molestation and the Church. Somehow as I typed, more ideas came forth. Don't you love when that happens?
It's talking about how Clarissa is indistinguishable from her virginity, and how that's not like the chastity advocated by the Church.
Then I thought, Wait a minute, in those days girls got married at like fourteen! Of course they should still be virgins! Then that led me to choke on my coffee when I thought of the girls who weren't, and why they were not and the S.O.Bs that made them that way. Ewwww!!
I am no religion nut. I've read the bible, attempted Torah before, and have my own set of beliefs based on my own knowledge- not what anyone else has tried to get me to believe. Upon reading this article, I wondered, was the Church trying to stop child molestors? But then again, weren't the girls always in the wrong, and persecuted as such, as if they had really asked for it?
Well, maybe they did. I never said I knew their society. But as those girls DID get married young... Maybe they gossiped about their "marital relations" with their best friends? Sure, they didn't have the same scientific knowledge we have today. But damn, those girls probably knew what was what about sex way earlier than what we do today!
My main thought here was the child molestation and the Church. Somehow as I typed, more ideas came forth. Don't you love when that happens?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
How ironic...
... That I should write about the negative effects of the media in here last night. I just got out of a class where the theme is violence and school shootings. We spent the whole period watching Bowling for Columbine. If that movie doesn't make a point about how the media fucks everyone up, I don't know what does.
I'm still unsettled by this movie. More than I really thought I would be. I was only eight when the Columbine occurred. I have no recollection of the news reports on it. It wasn't until senior year of high school before I learned anything about it besides the name.
One thing I DO remember in vivid detail that this movie showed was 9/11. I remember going in for breakfast that morning and becoming entranced by the image on tv. After all, nothing that bad happened HERE, right? Ha. Well, in any case, the movie had a clip of the plane flying into the second tower. Just thinking of it still makes me absolutely completely shocked.
As soon as class ended, I knew I had to be around some natural beauty before I settled into too deep of a funk. I'm not sure if it's working. I'm in a small courtyard in between buildings. There's a nice fountain. Brick walkways. Trees and grass and flowers and No Smoking signs.
Well. If I don't cheer up, Production will be interesting tonight.
All the best,
Samantha
I'm still unsettled by this movie. More than I really thought I would be. I was only eight when the Columbine occurred. I have no recollection of the news reports on it. It wasn't until senior year of high school before I learned anything about it besides the name.
One thing I DO remember in vivid detail that this movie showed was 9/11. I remember going in for breakfast that morning and becoming entranced by the image on tv. After all, nothing that bad happened HERE, right? Ha. Well, in any case, the movie had a clip of the plane flying into the second tower. Just thinking of it still makes me absolutely completely shocked.
As soon as class ended, I knew I had to be around some natural beauty before I settled into too deep of a funk. I'm not sure if it's working. I'm in a small courtyard in between buildings. There's a nice fountain. Brick walkways. Trees and grass and flowers and No Smoking signs.
Well. If I don't cheer up, Production will be interesting tonight.
All the best,
Samantha
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