So, uh...

About the production.

It's been a few weeks since we got our roles, and I still don't think I quite know what to make of the situation.

I wasn't given a speaking role. Hell, I wasn't even given an acting role.

I'm stage manager.

And it's awesome, it really is! But the thing is, for two or three weeks we hoped. We hoped for awesome roles with lines and lots of blocking. I know I hoped for the Curse of the Susan to continue (more on that later), or if not that, at least one of the recurring characters. I had faith in myself as a performer.

Then our director decided (after half an hour of drawing it out, with us sitting in a semi-circle around her table) to hand out slips of paper dictating what we were to do for the next two and a half months of our lives. She says, "Oh, I'll hand out the Production Team first." I think nothing of it, and pity my dear friend who had a major acting role last year, as he gets the first Production Team slip. Then she walks over to me. Oh, that's what Eddie just felt.... Then I kept wondering was I not good enough why do I not have a part how the hell did this happen I don't understand was I not good enough? She kept handing out papers, then sat and talked some more about the process the production was going to take. As my mind went in circles, I tried to swallow the sudden huge lump in my throat and blink back the tears I felt were arriving. I was successful in this, but I don't think I was able to keep a stricken look from my features. As she wound down this second speech, I was (mostly) calm and had decided to be the best damn Stage Manager she had ever seen. I was looking for the silver lining - and that night, as Eddie and I were texting, I realized it more fully - I get to know this show so so intimately. And, as odd as this is going to sound, I get to have a lot of power. So far, I've been in charge of informing the cast where and when we're meeting, what we're doing, and compiling various documents for the director. It's a lot of busy work, really, but it's something to do to keep myself involved in this show.

This past week, I've labelled myself the Human Watch. It's my job in rehearsal to let the director know what time it is, if we're approaching the time of stopping, and whatnot. I am so very "on" this job. I've gotten many responses from various castmates how funny it is that I'm always letting her know the time... but it's my job, and they understand that. I actually bought a watch so I didn't constantly drain my cell phone battery. One of my friends said today how I was doing everything right... of course! I'm terrified of doing something wrong here. My confidence is already shot enough from not getting an acting role. I know that I got stage manager as a learning experience, and not necessarily a lack of talent of my part. But it was still a blow to my ego. It still is. I find myself doubting any instincts I have as a performer, in other classes. Whereas, before, I mainly was concerned with how silly I may have looked, but definitely not if I could perform well at all. I figured, I've been doing this on and off since I was five, I had to have picked up something, right?

One of my chief concerns is that (as production team) I'm going to get shunted aside, socially, when it comes time for cast get-togethers. These are my friends, so I kind of doubt it, but I'm constantly trying to make stronger friendships so I assure myself. Plus it's always nice to have awesome friends. :) I also wonder how necessary I really am to this whole process.

So yes. Just a lot of doubt on me for the past.. three weeks or so. *sigh*

Uhh... I don't really have anything else to say.

Later!