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Monday, February 22, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
So, uh...
About the production.
It's been a few weeks since we got our roles, and I still don't think I quite know what to make of the situation.
I wasn't given a speaking role. Hell, I wasn't even given an acting role.
I'm stage manager.
And it's awesome, it really is! But the thing is, for two or three weeks we hoped. We hoped for awesome roles with lines and lots of blocking. I know I hoped for the Curse of the Susan to continue (more on that later), or if not that, at least one of the recurring characters. I had faith in myself as a performer.
Then our director decided (after half an hour of drawing it out, with us sitting in a semi-circle around her table) to hand out slips of paper dictating what we were to do for the next two and a half months of our lives. She says, "Oh, I'll hand out the Production Team first." I think nothing of it, and pity my dear friend who had a major acting role last year, as he gets the first Production Team slip. Then she walks over to me. Oh, that's what Eddie just felt.... Then I kept wondering was I not good enough why do I not have a part how the hell did this happen I don't understand was I not good enough? She kept handing out papers, then sat and talked some more about the process the production was going to take. As my mind went in circles, I tried to swallow the sudden huge lump in my throat and blink back the tears I felt were arriving. I was successful in this, but I don't think I was able to keep a stricken look from my features. As she wound down this second speech, I was (mostly) calm and had decided to be the best damn Stage Manager she had ever seen. I was looking for the silver lining - and that night, as Eddie and I were texting, I realized it more fully - I get to know this show so so intimately. And, as odd as this is going to sound, I get to have a lot of power. So far, I've been in charge of informing the cast where and when we're meeting, what we're doing, and compiling various documents for the director. It's a lot of busy work, really, but it's something to do to keep myself involved in this show.
This past week, I've labelled myself the Human Watch. It's my job in rehearsal to let the director know what time it is, if we're approaching the time of stopping, and whatnot. I am so very "on" this job. I've gotten many responses from various castmates how funny it is that I'm always letting her know the time... but it's my job, and they understand that. I actually bought a watch so I didn't constantly drain my cell phone battery. One of my friends said today how I was doing everything right... of course! I'm terrified of doing something wrong here. My confidence is already shot enough from not getting an acting role. I know that I got stage manager as a learning experience, and not necessarily a lack of talent of my part. But it was still a blow to my ego. It still is. I find myself doubting any instincts I have as a performer, in other classes. Whereas, before, I mainly was concerned with how silly I may have looked, but definitely not if I could perform well at all. I figured, I've been doing this on and off since I was five, I had to have picked up something, right?
One of my chief concerns is that (as production team) I'm going to get shunted aside, socially, when it comes time for cast get-togethers. These are my friends, so I kind of doubt it, but I'm constantly trying to make stronger friendships so I assure myself. Plus it's always nice to have awesome friends. :) I also wonder how necessary I really am to this whole process.
So yes. Just a lot of doubt on me for the past.. three weeks or so. *sigh*
Uhh... I don't really have anything else to say.
Later!
It's been a few weeks since we got our roles, and I still don't think I quite know what to make of the situation.
I wasn't given a speaking role. Hell, I wasn't even given an acting role.
I'm stage manager.
And it's awesome, it really is! But the thing is, for two or three weeks we hoped. We hoped for awesome roles with lines and lots of blocking. I know I hoped for the Curse of the Susan to continue (more on that later), or if not that, at least one of the recurring characters. I had faith in myself as a performer.
Then our director decided (after half an hour of drawing it out, with us sitting in a semi-circle around her table) to hand out slips of paper dictating what we were to do for the next two and a half months of our lives. She says, "Oh, I'll hand out the Production Team first." I think nothing of it, and pity my dear friend who had a major acting role last year, as he gets the first Production Team slip. Then she walks over to me. Oh, that's what Eddie just felt.... Then I kept wondering was I not good enough why do I not have a part how the hell did this happen I don't understand was I not good enough? She kept handing out papers, then sat and talked some more about the process the production was going to take. As my mind went in circles, I tried to swallow the sudden huge lump in my throat and blink back the tears I felt were arriving. I was successful in this, but I don't think I was able to keep a stricken look from my features. As she wound down this second speech, I was (mostly) calm and had decided to be the best damn Stage Manager she had ever seen. I was looking for the silver lining - and that night, as Eddie and I were texting, I realized it more fully - I get to know this show so so intimately. And, as odd as this is going to sound, I get to have a lot of power. So far, I've been in charge of informing the cast where and when we're meeting, what we're doing, and compiling various documents for the director. It's a lot of busy work, really, but it's something to do to keep myself involved in this show.
This past week, I've labelled myself the Human Watch. It's my job in rehearsal to let the director know what time it is, if we're approaching the time of stopping, and whatnot. I am so very "on" this job. I've gotten many responses from various castmates how funny it is that I'm always letting her know the time... but it's my job, and they understand that. I actually bought a watch so I didn't constantly drain my cell phone battery. One of my friends said today how I was doing everything right... of course! I'm terrified of doing something wrong here. My confidence is already shot enough from not getting an acting role. I know that I got stage manager as a learning experience, and not necessarily a lack of talent of my part. But it was still a blow to my ego. It still is. I find myself doubting any instincts I have as a performer, in other classes. Whereas, before, I mainly was concerned with how silly I may have looked, but definitely not if I could perform well at all. I figured, I've been doing this on and off since I was five, I had to have picked up something, right?
One of my chief concerns is that (as production team) I'm going to get shunted aside, socially, when it comes time for cast get-togethers. These are my friends, so I kind of doubt it, but I'm constantly trying to make stronger friendships so I assure myself. Plus it's always nice to have awesome friends. :) I also wonder how necessary I really am to this whole process.
So yes. Just a lot of doubt on me for the past.. three weeks or so. *sigh*
Uhh... I don't really have anything else to say.
Later!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Hmm.
I'm kind of sad right now.
And I don't really know why.
Wait. Yes I do.
I don't want to be a commodity. I want to be precious.
I don't know if I feel that way.
Okay. Must get back to rehearsal.
Maybe more about that later.
All right. Bye.
And I don't really know why.
Wait. Yes I do.
I don't want to be a commodity. I want to be precious.
I don't know if I feel that way.
Okay. Must get back to rehearsal.
Maybe more about that later.
All right. Bye.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
An odd thought.
So I'm fully awake (at 9am! Shocking!!) and reading an article about the Sentimental Novel for my major american authors class. A passage struck me as weird and I thought I'd share because I'm almost done but the fire alarms going off in another building and I don't want to go back yet.
It's talking about how Clarissa is indistinguishable from her virginity, and how that's not like the chastity advocated by the Church.
Then I thought, Wait a minute, in those days girls got married at like fourteen! Of course they should still be virgins! Then that led me to choke on my coffee when I thought of the girls who weren't, and why they were not and the S.O.Bs that made them that way. Ewwww!!
I am no religion nut. I've read the bible, attempted Torah before, and have my own set of beliefs based on my own knowledge- not what anyone else has tried to get me to believe. Upon reading this article, I wondered, was the Church trying to stop child molestors? But then again, weren't the girls always in the wrong, and persecuted as such, as if they had really asked for it?
Well, maybe they did. I never said I knew their society. But as those girls DID get married young... Maybe they gossiped about their "marital relations" with their best friends? Sure, they didn't have the same scientific knowledge we have today. But damn, those girls probably knew what was what about sex way earlier than what we do today!
My main thought here was the child molestation and the Church. Somehow as I typed, more ideas came forth. Don't you love when that happens?
It's talking about how Clarissa is indistinguishable from her virginity, and how that's not like the chastity advocated by the Church.
Then I thought, Wait a minute, in those days girls got married at like fourteen! Of course they should still be virgins! Then that led me to choke on my coffee when I thought of the girls who weren't, and why they were not and the S.O.Bs that made them that way. Ewwww!!
I am no religion nut. I've read the bible, attempted Torah before, and have my own set of beliefs based on my own knowledge- not what anyone else has tried to get me to believe. Upon reading this article, I wondered, was the Church trying to stop child molestors? But then again, weren't the girls always in the wrong, and persecuted as such, as if they had really asked for it?
Well, maybe they did. I never said I knew their society. But as those girls DID get married young... Maybe they gossiped about their "marital relations" with their best friends? Sure, they didn't have the same scientific knowledge we have today. But damn, those girls probably knew what was what about sex way earlier than what we do today!
My main thought here was the child molestation and the Church. Somehow as I typed, more ideas came forth. Don't you love when that happens?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
How ironic...
... That I should write about the negative effects of the media in here last night. I just got out of a class where the theme is violence and school shootings. We spent the whole period watching Bowling for Columbine. If that movie doesn't make a point about how the media fucks everyone up, I don't know what does.
I'm still unsettled by this movie. More than I really thought I would be. I was only eight when the Columbine occurred. I have no recollection of the news reports on it. It wasn't until senior year of high school before I learned anything about it besides the name.
One thing I DO remember in vivid detail that this movie showed was 9/11. I remember going in for breakfast that morning and becoming entranced by the image on tv. After all, nothing that bad happened HERE, right? Ha. Well, in any case, the movie had a clip of the plane flying into the second tower. Just thinking of it still makes me absolutely completely shocked.
As soon as class ended, I knew I had to be around some natural beauty before I settled into too deep of a funk. I'm not sure if it's working. I'm in a small courtyard in between buildings. There's a nice fountain. Brick walkways. Trees and grass and flowers and No Smoking signs.
Well. If I don't cheer up, Production will be interesting tonight.
All the best,
Samantha
I'm still unsettled by this movie. More than I really thought I would be. I was only eight when the Columbine occurred. I have no recollection of the news reports on it. It wasn't until senior year of high school before I learned anything about it besides the name.
One thing I DO remember in vivid detail that this movie showed was 9/11. I remember going in for breakfast that morning and becoming entranced by the image on tv. After all, nothing that bad happened HERE, right? Ha. Well, in any case, the movie had a clip of the plane flying into the second tower. Just thinking of it still makes me absolutely completely shocked.
As soon as class ended, I knew I had to be around some natural beauty before I settled into too deep of a funk. I'm not sure if it's working. I'm in a small courtyard in between buildings. There's a nice fountain. Brick walkways. Trees and grass and flowers and No Smoking signs.
Well. If I don't cheer up, Production will be interesting tonight.
All the best,
Samantha
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thoughts of the Day
Today on the drive back up to school, I saw a Denny's. This is not a new Denny's. I see it every time I drive back up here, and I have ever since I started going to college. What makes tonight's passage worth mentioning is that all the letters in the sign were lit up. It's one of those different signs where each of the letters is individually lit up by neon or some such gas. I've driven past Denn 's, or enny's, or even Den y' , but almost never Denny's. And this is so silly to even mention in a blog, but this small thing made me really happy.
Also in the car: I've noticed that I never put on a show when others are in the car. I love to sing. Whether I'm any good, I don't know. I sing in my car, in the shower, just hanging around my room... you get the idea. But if anyone's around besides my mother, I will clam up. Well, I won't stop singing, but I'll tone down the performance level a LOT. Like... on a scale of one to ten, going from a nine to a two and a half. If it's just me.. oh, boy, all bets are off. I'll belt or do funny voices or even mime some of the lyrics as I sing them. Too bad the only other person to see me do this is biased. ;)
I am in the production again this year. This is such an exciting thing! For the past two weeks, we've mainly been getting to know one another and getting a feel of each other as an ensemble. The show will be going on at Week Twelve of the semester. We're going on Week Three right now and still don't know our roles. I'm not going to lie, that is really grating on my nerves, as well as some of my cast mates', if the gossip I hear is correct. But it really has been fun getting to know old friends better, and making new friends in our common and shared experience. :)
So much of today's society is in such a negative place. This is, I believe, mainly attributed to the media as it is. We as a people listen to the news with all of its war talk and diseases and politics and generally horrible things happening in the world. The shows that try to put some positivity into the show are regarded as jokes and they'll get delegated to talk-show status. But moving aside... I do try to be positive. I'll groan and bitch how much so-and-so annoys me, or how I just hate this or that... but I love spreading positivity to others. This usually comes about in small comments such as in, "Wow, your hair looks great today!" or "Where did you get those shoes?" Stuff like that. Tis is really a twofer, now that I think about it. It is definitely an ice breaker, and conversations will spring forth, which I adore. But also it generally puts the other person in a really good mood for at least a few minutes. One instance springs to mind. This was in early December, and my mom and I were in the Disney store buying some pajamas for my little cousin. I'm just looking around, and notice that the cashier has the most lovely hair - dark brown, about shoulder-blade length, and all ringlets. Not Shirley Temple, but about as wide around as a water bottle or something similar. I mention that her hair looks really great, and she (not being the one ringing us up) looks up at me, gets this huge grin on her face, and says, "Really? I just woke up with it like this today!" Not at all snooty, but really enthusiastic that someone else noticed her fortunate hair day. And that is why I love dropping compliments here and there.... people gobble them up and maybe it'll turn someone's bad day around.
I remember one day last semester where I felt that glow of, Really-Maybe-I-Am-Pretty-Today. I had a furlough day in my costume design class, and since that was the only class of my day, I was free. So that day, I woke up late, put on some sweats, tee shirt, and baseball cap, and went about my day. No makeup. Nothing really nice. I was just looking to be comfortable on a day where no one would judge me by what I wore. So anyway, I went to the cafeteria for lunch and met up with a friend and two of her friends. I sat with them for some hours before heading back to my room. The one guy of the four of us would NOT lay off me... Flirting subtly, then getting kind of nasty when I gave no response to the former. I signed onto AIM and a guy friend started chatting to me... I told him that I was only looking for friendship from guys at the time, as I don't have a solid group. He then proceeded to tell me that he liked me, and as I just said I wasn't looking for romance at the time, should he put off asking me out? I said yes, but was still so so very flattered. The third instance of that day was my crush returning one of my books and chatting with me at my door for twenty minutes. Keep in mind, I was still in the sweats and baseball cap with no makeup on. My mind was BLOWN. I had no idea (and still have no idea) what it was about me that day that drew these three nice young men to me. Was it coincidence? Or did I actually exude something ... confidence, kindness, comfort ....? that acted like honey? I may never know.
Knitting update:
As for the lace patterned scarf: I finished it yesterday, decided it was too long and thin, and ripped it apart. (Ripping = making the yarn back into a ball, as opposed to being my latest project. I didn't tear it up.) I loved the pattern and yarn and needles combination, though, so I simply added on another few stitches to make it wider and hopefully shorter.
I need to make a scarf for Gary this week. He's headed to New York on Sunday (and aren't I jealous!) and it's going to be insanely cold. So, since I knit and all, he asked for something... a first! I'm trying to think of a good yarn that is soft, machine washable, and masculine. I have nothing in my stash that is all three of these requirements. This may call for a trip to my LYS (Local Yarn Store/Shop) tomorrow after classes.
Yesterday I got a yarn that I have been coveting for a few months now. It's this insanely rich purple wool that I put off buying because I didn't want to make just another scarf with it. It's too nice for that. But I broke down and got it because there was a pattern for fingerless gloves made FOR THAT YARN right next to it. I am a sucker for fingerless gloves. I've made six pairs that I remember. One was for a gift, but oftentimes I'll make them because I have too little yarn to make anything else out of it. That, or I'll see a nice pattern and think, Gee, that'll look nice with Yarn X and Needles Y. It's all trial and error, folks. But the shop had a sample glove next to the pattern and yarn, and it was so nice and cozy and fun looking that I just had to get it. It's a different pattern type than I'm used to, but hopefully that won't be much of a problem.
Okay.. I'm going to get to bed early for a change! Tis just about eleven.. I'd like to be in REM by midnight! ... if that's possible. I don't remember how fast it takes to get to REM state sleep..
Anywho, good night! :)
Also in the car: I've noticed that I never put on a show when others are in the car. I love to sing. Whether I'm any good, I don't know. I sing in my car, in the shower, just hanging around my room... you get the idea. But if anyone's around besides my mother, I will clam up. Well, I won't stop singing, but I'll tone down the performance level a LOT. Like... on a scale of one to ten, going from a nine to a two and a half. If it's just me.. oh, boy, all bets are off. I'll belt or do funny voices or even mime some of the lyrics as I sing them. Too bad the only other person to see me do this is biased. ;)
I am in the production again this year. This is such an exciting thing! For the past two weeks, we've mainly been getting to know one another and getting a feel of each other as an ensemble. The show will be going on at Week Twelve of the semester. We're going on Week Three right now and still don't know our roles. I'm not going to lie, that is really grating on my nerves, as well as some of my cast mates', if the gossip I hear is correct. But it really has been fun getting to know old friends better, and making new friends in our common and shared experience. :)
So much of today's society is in such a negative place. This is, I believe, mainly attributed to the media as it is. We as a people listen to the news with all of its war talk and diseases and politics and generally horrible things happening in the world. The shows that try to put some positivity into the show are regarded as jokes and they'll get delegated to talk-show status. But moving aside... I do try to be positive. I'll groan and bitch how much so-and-so annoys me, or how I just hate this or that... but I love spreading positivity to others. This usually comes about in small comments such as in, "Wow, your hair looks great today!" or "Where did you get those shoes?" Stuff like that. Tis is really a twofer, now that I think about it. It is definitely an ice breaker, and conversations will spring forth, which I adore. But also it generally puts the other person in a really good mood for at least a few minutes. One instance springs to mind. This was in early December, and my mom and I were in the Disney store buying some pajamas for my little cousin. I'm just looking around, and notice that the cashier has the most lovely hair - dark brown, about shoulder-blade length, and all ringlets. Not Shirley Temple, but about as wide around as a water bottle or something similar. I mention that her hair looks really great, and she (not being the one ringing us up) looks up at me, gets this huge grin on her face, and says, "Really? I just woke up with it like this today!" Not at all snooty, but really enthusiastic that someone else noticed her fortunate hair day. And that is why I love dropping compliments here and there.... people gobble them up and maybe it'll turn someone's bad day around.
I remember one day last semester where I felt that glow of, Really-Maybe-I-Am-Pretty-Today. I had a furlough day in my costume design class, and since that was the only class of my day, I was free. So that day, I woke up late, put on some sweats, tee shirt, and baseball cap, and went about my day. No makeup. Nothing really nice. I was just looking to be comfortable on a day where no one would judge me by what I wore. So anyway, I went to the cafeteria for lunch and met up with a friend and two of her friends. I sat with them for some hours before heading back to my room. The one guy of the four of us would NOT lay off me... Flirting subtly, then getting kind of nasty when I gave no response to the former. I signed onto AIM and a guy friend started chatting to me... I told him that I was only looking for friendship from guys at the time, as I don't have a solid group. He then proceeded to tell me that he liked me, and as I just said I wasn't looking for romance at the time, should he put off asking me out? I said yes, but was still so so very flattered. The third instance of that day was my crush returning one of my books and chatting with me at my door for twenty minutes. Keep in mind, I was still in the sweats and baseball cap with no makeup on. My mind was BLOWN. I had no idea (and still have no idea) what it was about me that day that drew these three nice young men to me. Was it coincidence? Or did I actually exude something ... confidence, kindness, comfort ....? that acted like honey? I may never know.
Knitting update:
As for the lace patterned scarf: I finished it yesterday, decided it was too long and thin, and ripped it apart. (Ripping = making the yarn back into a ball, as opposed to being my latest project. I didn't tear it up.) I loved the pattern and yarn and needles combination, though, so I simply added on another few stitches to make it wider and hopefully shorter.
I need to make a scarf for Gary this week. He's headed to New York on Sunday (and aren't I jealous!) and it's going to be insanely cold. So, since I knit and all, he asked for something... a first! I'm trying to think of a good yarn that is soft, machine washable, and masculine. I have nothing in my stash that is all three of these requirements. This may call for a trip to my LYS (Local Yarn Store/Shop) tomorrow after classes.
Yesterday I got a yarn that I have been coveting for a few months now. It's this insanely rich purple wool that I put off buying because I didn't want to make just another scarf with it. It's too nice for that. But I broke down and got it because there was a pattern for fingerless gloves made FOR THAT YARN right next to it. I am a sucker for fingerless gloves. I've made six pairs that I remember. One was for a gift, but oftentimes I'll make them because I have too little yarn to make anything else out of it. That, or I'll see a nice pattern and think, Gee, that'll look nice with Yarn X and Needles Y. It's all trial and error, folks. But the shop had a sample glove next to the pattern and yarn, and it was so nice and cozy and fun looking that I just had to get it. It's a different pattern type than I'm used to, but hopefully that won't be much of a problem.
Okay.. I'm going to get to bed early for a change! Tis just about eleven.. I'd like to be in REM by midnight! ... if that's possible. I don't remember how fast it takes to get to REM state sleep..
Anywho, good night! :)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I know I said I wasn't inspired...
But that was yesterday. And now it's today, and I'm bored, so I'm gonna blog. Because really, that's about it on what I can do.
Right now I'm working for my mom for Disney's "give a day, get a day" deal. We've been collecting books for about four hours now from people that have signed up. We still have another hour.
Up until now, I've been knitting in between people arriving. I felt bad last night about having no inspiration, so I went through my various magazines and such (again.... I did it last weekend as well) to hopefully find a nice stitch to use for my yarn I brought home. I accidentally left last week's sample at school, so had nothing to do at home.
I don't like to be idle.
So I got to my last magazine - of course it was the last one! - and found some lace patterns. I've been too intimidated to try lace much... There's not a lot of repetition in lace in one row, let alone in the sometimes sixteen-row repeat pattern. But I found an easy four-row repeat, and so that's what I've been doing, both last night and today during this book drive.
Um. What else? Oh! I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother last night where Ted's students make a drinking game out of Robin's tv show... They drink every time she says "but, um". I was obviously not awake this morning, as I was playing something similar with my coffee. I had the Disney playlist going, and Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirate's Life for Me was going. I dared myself to drink a sip of coffee every time they sang "drink up, me hearties, yo ho!". I realized within 30 seconds or so that I would be extremely hyper and run out of coffee quickly if I continued in this vein. But for that first minute or so, I was very amused.
Also...... I am in fact a true 90s kid. My mom has Capri Sun in her office, and I was able to get the straw in on the first go. I am very proud of this fact.
Only 35 minutes left. *sigh*
TTYL!
Right now I'm working for my mom for Disney's "give a day, get a day" deal. We've been collecting books for about four hours now from people that have signed up. We still have another hour.
Up until now, I've been knitting in between people arriving. I felt bad last night about having no inspiration, so I went through my various magazines and such (again.... I did it last weekend as well) to hopefully find a nice stitch to use for my yarn I brought home. I accidentally left last week's sample at school, so had nothing to do at home.
I don't like to be idle.
So I got to my last magazine - of course it was the last one! - and found some lace patterns. I've been too intimidated to try lace much... There's not a lot of repetition in lace in one row, let alone in the sometimes sixteen-row repeat pattern. But I found an easy four-row repeat, and so that's what I've been doing, both last night and today during this book drive.
Um. What else? Oh! I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother last night where Ted's students make a drinking game out of Robin's tv show... They drink every time she says "but, um". I was obviously not awake this morning, as I was playing something similar with my coffee. I had the Disney playlist going, and Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirate's Life for Me was going. I dared myself to drink a sip of coffee every time they sang "drink up, me hearties, yo ho!". I realized within 30 seconds or so that I would be extremely hyper and run out of coffee quickly if I continued in this vein. But for that first minute or so, I was very amused.
Also...... I am in fact a true 90s kid. My mom has Capri Sun in her office, and I was able to get the straw in on the first go. I am very proud of this fact.
Only 35 minutes left. *sigh*
TTYL!
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